How to assemble a port-a-cot: Guest Post from Toilets aren’t for Turtles

portacotI love coming across blogs that make me laugh, and Toilets aren’t for Turtles is certainly one of them! Mumma McD is a fabulous blogger whose posts have me made laugh for a while and she has been so gracious in happily starring as a guest blogger here on Life, kids and a glass of red – providing one of her hilarious posts for you to enjoy!

How to assemble a port-a-cot – By Mumma McD at Toilets aren’t for Turtles

Step 1:

Pour yourself a large glass of wine.

Expert tip: keep the bottle close!


Step 2:

Wrestle the port-a-cot from the ‘handy’ carry bag, and remove the piece that is wrapped around the main frame.

Expert tip: do NOT discard this piece – that is the MATTRESS! (I may have made this mistake once…).

Step 3:

Take a very large sip of wine. Breathe deeply. Repeat.

Step 4:

Shake the frame out and attempt to click the sidebars into place. Fail miserably.

Step 5:

Have another sip of wine.

Step 6:

Try once again to click the sidebars into place. Sip more wine. Breathe deeply. Try one more time to click sidebars into place… Throw un-clickable fucking port-a-cot frame against the wall.

Step 7:

Call the concierge of the hotel you are staying in and request they bring up a pre-assembled cot (at an additional cost of $50 per night).

My first attempt at assembling our port-a-cot went something like this, and attempts number 2, 3 and 4 weren’t much better. Once I got the bloody thing assembled (erected? tee hee) there was then the issue of packing it away, which usually required another bottle of wine. The whole idea of using the port-a-cot made me just want to avoid going away anywhere.

However, on our recent trip to NZ we stayed in 6 different places over 2.5 weeks, none of which had a concierge, so I had to become pretty efficient at assembling and dissembling this port-a-cot.

Before we went away I even resorted to downloading creepy/awkward YouTube videos of strange men demonstrating how to assemble a port-a-cot, like this one from Rusty Stainless (yes, seriously), and this one from Chicco Australia. I had a good giggle, but these guys are probably rolling in cash now.

Here’s how to really assemble a port-a-cot

N.B. We have a ‘Love N Care’ brand port-a-cot, but most cots have very similar set up instructions.

Step 1:

Wrestle the port-a-cot out of the ‘handy’ carry bag. Wine optional.

Step 2:

Remove the mattress piece wrapped around the frame and set aside.


Remove mattress from frame

Step 3:

Pull legs of frame apart slightly, but DO NOT be tempted to push down the middle piece. Leaving the middle piece ‘up’ is the trick to successful port-a-cot assembly!

cot 3

Don’t be tempted to push down this middle piece! Click the sidebars into place first!

Step 4:

Pull the long sidebars up (both sides simultaneously) and click into place, then do the same for the shorter sides.


Cot will look something like this once the sidebars are clicked in.  You can now press down on the middle part.

Step 5:

Push the middle piece down until it clicks, and twist the ‘safety lock’ handle in the direction of the arrow.

Step 6:

Insert ‘mattress’ and secure with Velcro straps.


Success!! Insert infant!

Step 7:

Insert infant (unfortunately there are no Velcro straps provided to secure infant).


The irony of it all was that while I became an expert at setting up the bloody port-a-cot, the Stuntman decided that sleeping wasn’t on his itinerary for the holiday, and woke every hour until I brought him into bed with me. Every. Single. Night.

So we co-slept, and the perfectly set up port-a-cot sat there empty. *Sigh*.

Do you find setting up a port-a-cot difficult? Or is it just me??


About Mumma McD

Mumma McD blogs over at Toilets aren’t for Turtles about living dairy free, trying to find that elusive work/life balance, and the general absurdity of raising toddlers. She’s a working mum of two cheeky kiddies – Little Miss (3.5) and the Stuntman (2) – and is a dairy free coffee addict who appreciates red wine, bad language and jokes with inappropriate punchlines.

Follow Mumma McD on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram.



5 thoughts on “How to assemble a port-a-cot: Guest Post from Toilets aren’t for Turtles

  1. I CANNOT setup a portacot either. I almost put my son in there while the sides were sagging. I couldn’t get them to click. But then I thought that would look like really bad mothering, so I got someone else in the family to figure it out. Took them like 5 seconds. Arseholes.


  2. OMG WTF!?! I remember trying to set up one of these babies for the first time. I had an easier time giving birth. Or dealing with Centrelink. Portacots are the sole* reason I will never have another baby (and by “sole” I mean “hundreds”)


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