What the parenting books don’t tell you

Congratulations! You’ve found out you’re having a baby. Fab news.

You’ve bought a couple of parenting books to read, so you know what to expect. You’re feeling confident that you can handle it all.

Well, here are some things that the baby books don’t tell you…

The books will tell you that you are likely to have cravings when you’re pregnant. No new news there. But you’re thinking you’ll crave things like icecream and pickles, like they do in the movies, right? From my experience, the only cravings you’ll have are boring as bat shit. Mine were scrambled eggs and spinach. Or you’re likely to crave whatever you’re not supposed to eat. All I wanted to eat with my first pregnancy was a wheel of brie cheese and a massive glass of shiraz. My awesome aunt brought me both those things when she came to visit me in hospital! Now that is a gift that all new mums should get!

Trampolines are no longer the fun things they used to be, before your pelvic floor was almost totally destroyed by pregnancy.

Remember those days when you were younger, and you’d bounce on the trampoline without a care in the world? Kiss those days goodbye. Listen to the midwives. Do your pelvic floor exercises NOW, as if your life depended on it. Beware of hilarious comedies, running, or vigorous exercise classes, unless you want to pee your pants. Jumping jacks? No way. But that works for me. I hate doing jumping jacks. And burpees…

It’s is all fun and games, until someone shits in the bath. And the kids will shit in the bath. And chances are, if they’re like my kids, it will not be scoopable. Be prepared. Have wine ready. You will need a glass (or two) after incidents like that.

Factor in an additional amount of time to any trip or outing you’re planning. Why? Exploding nappies of epic proportions, that is why.

When our eldest was a teeny tiny bub, I had the nappy bag packed, we were dressed and ready to go out and escape the cabin fever that was threatening to set in. Just as I placed him in his capsule in the car, we experienced our first exploding nappy. This resulted in not only the baby needing to be changed, but also bathed, the capsule cover being removed and washed, I needed to change my clothes and shower, and then try to find the strength to try to get us in the car again. It took nearly two hours to clean it all up.

Children’s tv shows are just that. They are designed for children. You will find them boring. Some of them however, have great writers, who try to entertain parents with witty lines, and some shows even feature hot guests, like when Sesame Street features the likes of Hugh Jackman or Ryan Reynolds. Thank you, Sesame Street. We love you for that. But on the whole, children’s tv shows suck. You will reach the point where you would rather poke yourself in the eye with a ball point pen, than watch another episode of Connie the Cow. Yes, Connie. You’re shit. And don’t even get me started on Olivia…

You will be asked so many questions by your kids. And almost every time you answer their question, they will respond with, “why?” or “no”. They will argue that no, the sky is not blue. And they will lose their shit over stuff like you gave them the green plate, after they asked for the green plate. Or their brother looked out their car window, or you are also having toast for breakfast… Take a deep breath, now.

And finally, always make sure you have wine in the house.

What other advice would you offer parents-to-be, that they won’t find in a parenting book?

Make sure you’re following Life, kids and a glass of red on Facebook for more giggles and snippets of silliness!

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3 thoughts on “What the parenting books don’t tell you

  1. HA! Great list. One thing I would include is that the books tell you to sleep when the baby is sleeping. That’s laughable because you’ll be doing all the stuff you didn’t get done when the baby is awake… showering, eating, cleaning, drinking wine…

    Like

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